Thanksgiving With Foreigners: The Leftovers

You know who knows how to eat? I mean, really knows how to eat. Foreigners. Man, I spent Thanksgiving with a bunch of these guys this year, and it was a doozy. Not only are there the regular Thanksgiving staples, but there are tons of extras here and there. Like, you'll be surveying the table and your eyes will scan across the bowl of mashed potatoes, the giant pile of stuffing, and finally land on...biryani. Or then, you'll reach for a couple of helpings of turkey, but also pick up some bourek on your way. "What are all these things?!" you're probably exclaiming right now. "What are these strange words that I'm not used to? We're in America. I don't try new things! I'm boring and unadventurous! I wear the same sweatsuit every day. All I talk about is sports and Nickelback." Well. Look at you. Being a jerk, as usual. Man, sometimes you have to TRY. I know it's hard, but occasionally it's worth it! Just trust me. Try.

Anyhow, I digress in my lectures to you. One of the best parts about sharing Thanksgiving with foreigners is that they are damn pushy about eating. Oh, so you're on a diet? No problem - eat more. Had dinner already at your girlfriend's family's house? That's okay, here's Dinner Two. Already had 4 helpings, did you? Get ready for 5, 6, and 7. These foreigners are no nonsense. And! Check this out: they'll give you leftovers! I mean, not exactly "give;" more so "force upon you." They'll pack them up into old plastic yogurt containers and various sized ziploc bags and before you know it, you'll be driving back home with a trunk full of smells and bags and food for the next week.

Here's the bourek I was talking about. It's basically a pastry filled with meat and fried. These ones had chicken inside. They'll leave your hands greasy, so use plenty of napkins. Or, just say screw it and lay a giant towel across your lap. It'll come in handy later.

Potato chop. In a plastic bag, which is how it was handed to me. Potato chop is meat stuffed inside potatoes and, you guessed it, fried.
Here it is cut open.

Some kebabs neatly organized on top of a pile of rice. If you leave the meat on the rice for long enough, a bunch of meat flavor and juices soak into the rice and the rice is probably the most amazing tasting rice you'll ever have.

White beans. In red sauce. That's all I know about this one. This is the other thing about foreigners: sometimes you receive a tupperware full of a stew-like thing and you just have to eat it. Probably on top of rice.

This is the biryani! This one has rice, chicken, other meat, peas, hard boiled eggs, and delicious spices. The flavors of this - oh lord, the flavors!

Here's another lookie. Now that's a tall drink of...biryani. Hmm.

This is stuffed cabbage. Probably one of the more unappetizing looking dishes. However! It is also one of the best tasting! The meat inside is a combination of pork, beef, and something else, and there were little slices of ham laying on top of the cabbage to give it extra flavor. Ridiculous.

Sometimes foreigners like to turn leftover meat into gyros or shawerma the next day. Why leave meat as is? Why not challenge yourself and make meat into other meat that tastes even better? Thusly, homemade shawerma:

Here is my entire leftovers dinner from last night. Notice all the fried stuff? I was also provided with ample pita bread and baba ganoush to balance out the meal. And to make me more gassy. I mean, seriously, who can even go to work or have a social life after eating like this? Not me.
So, with that in mind, I'll be here in my apartment for the next 4 days, eating and not talking to anybody face-to-face. Because man, this food is doing a number on me. But really when you think about it, I guess this the only way to follow up Thanksgiving awesomely. More eating. More digestive issues. More everything.

Happy Thanksgiving, fools.

xoxo, Delicious Food

The Mythological Beast, The One, The Only, The Legendary...OLE TURKEY BOOBS

Just a reminder that this exists:


Happy Pranksgiving, jerks!

Delicious Food vs. Some Doctor, or A Very Special Thanksgiving

Man, why do people have to mess with stuff that is just fine the way it is?! I ask you! The Huffington Post recently published an article by Michael Roizen, M.D. about staying fit between Thanksgiving and New Year's. What the hell, man? What's everybody's problem? It's Thanksgiving, the best holiday of the year! The entire day is dedicated to eating; what could be better? Plus, this is the exact time of year I want to eat everything in sight whilst laying on the couch. It's cold out here in the Midwest, and I'm all confused from the days getting shorter, and there's good television on...why the hell shouldn't I sit around eating delicious, and possibly unhealthy, foods, maybe while falling asleep every few minutes, crumbs on my collar? Jeez.

So, to the doctor who compiled these "helpful tips," if you can even call them that, I present to you my own altered version. Now these are some real tips...BEEF tips! Wait, no, these are actual good tips on how to enjoy a wonderful and important holiday and not act like a jackass all the time.

Dr. R. says: Keep your hands occupied. Never leave your hands free at a party. Having a glass of water in one hand is a great idea.
DF says: Another great way to occupy your hands is the following: giant turkey leg in right hand and left hand unbuckling your belt to make room for more. Option 2: Serving spoon of mashed potatoes in the right hand, left hand high five-ing the other people at the table. Option 3: A sandwich so large that it takes both hands to hold it.

Dr. R. says: Hang out near the veggie table.
DF says: Near the what?! Please. Hang out near the bar, the trays of appetizers, the dinner table, the dessert counter. Anywhere but the veggie table. In fact, if there even is a veggie table at your Thanksgiving Day event, leave. Immediately. Go somewhere better.

Dr. R. Says: Buy a dessert. If you must bring a desert, buy, don't bake it. You'll be less likely to sample it before the party.
DF says: Why not do both? Make one at home, sample as much of it as you like, then buy one for a nice little car snack on your way to Thanksgiving. Why pick and choose, Dr. R? One of each, am I right??

Dr. R. says: Choose protein-rich fillers. Eat 6 walnut halves, 20 peanuts or 12 almonds (all about 70 calories of fat) 30 minutes before you go to any party or meal. They will help fill you up.
DF says: I think he means meat. Meat is protein-rich. Go make yourself a steak, fill up on that before dinner, and then enjoy the actual Thanksgiving feast 30 minutes later. You'll do fine. Don't worry, babies.

Dr. R. says: Watch what you drink.
DF says: Yep. You should watch what I drink! You'll be impressed. I'll start with a flute of champagne, then move on to a few vodka cocktails, have a glass of wine or 4 with dinner, and at the end of the night enjoy that very special creamy after-dinner drink. Like a white russian or a tequila rose or a Bailey's on ice. Yes, watch what I drink. You'll love me even more than usual.

Dr. R. says: Eye your pie before you try. Check out the entire spread before serving yourself and go through the line only once. Best choice -- pure pumpkin (has alpha-carotene, now shown to make your RealAge younger) -- and skip the crust.
DF says: Dr. R. must be confused. I think he means "Eye the pies, give 'em all a try." And by "try," I assume he is implying two to three hefty slices. Do not skip the crust. Add more crust if possible. Choose any pie that has whipped cream on it. If the pie does not have whipped cream on it, add some. Or better yet, add ice cream. Or both. Make a pie sandwich by stacking pie slices on top of one another. Have a pie eating contest. Pie, guys! PIE!!!

Dr. R says: Splurge a little at parties. It's OK to splurge a little when you're out and about. The rest of the time, eat like your normal, healthy self.
DF says: Replace "a little" with "frequently," and "parties" with "work," "home," "midnight," "the pool," "your leisure," or "parties." That's right, just be your normal, healthy self.

Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Whole Wheat Wild Rice Cranberry Walnut Stuffing
DF says: Hell no.

Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Mushroom Gravy
DF says: Only if I can pour it on top of my regular, meat-based, fatty delicious gravy. Double gravy! Now you're talkin'.

Dr. R. says: Cross stress off your to-do list. Shop online, stick to a budget, and don't be afraid to buy food instead of making it.
DF says: I can get behind this one. But I'd also cross off a few other things on my list, including morning jogs, low-fat anything, and veggie tables.

Dr. R. says: Start some new traditions. Get everybody together -- and away from the table -- to hang decorations, take a winter walk, play board games, belt out holiday songs or experience awe and wonder in your house of worship, at a concert, admiring Mother Nature's work, or in any other way that moves you.
DF says: I got a tradition for you, Dr. R.: Shutting Your Piehole! How about the tradition of Quit Flapping Ya Gums? This guy is a total quack.

Dr. R. says: Create a kitchen safety zone. Keep only the real, good-for-you seasonal treats in easy reach.
DF says: I'll take that and raise you a "put the chips on the couch pillow next to you and the beer in the mini-fridge under your feet and an ice cream sundae directly into your mouth and do this in every room besides the kitchen." That's right, I'm suggesting you make the other rooms in your house Awesome Zones. Bedroom awesome zone, bathroom awesome zone, garage awesome zone...you get my drift. Sure, the kitchen can be a Safety Zone (nerd) but at least the rest of the house isn't going to suck. Believe you me.

Dr. R. says: Don't skip exercise.
DF says: Do skip exercise. Some of these are very simple.

Ugh. Listen, everybody. I really hope you take some of these tips seriously. I'm worried that if we don't support this holiday, it won't last! So don't be a Thanksgiving Grinch, and please don't break my heart; eat some Delicious Food for once!

All photos borrowed from www.huffingtonpost.com.

Hot Doug's: A Total Sausage Fest

Okay, dudes. Okay. Try and stay calm. It finally happened...FINALLY. This past weekend, I went to a total sausage fest. And I mean a TOTAL sausage fest. And you know what? I actually enjoyed myself. Holy eff...

I was visiting Chicago, a small city just southeast of Beloit, Wisconsin, when my associates and I stumbled upon quite a sight. Underneath a small, cheap looking sign that included the tag line "The Sausage Superstore" was a line of about thirty people. "What the hell could they possibly be waiting for?" I wondered. It's not as if Chicago is known for it's fine cuisine or anything. What could be so delicious that somebody would wait for thirty other people to eat before they could even order? That's just absurd...what food could be that amazing?

My curiosity piqued and my stomach growling, we pulled over and got in line. And you know what? I found the answer to that question. The answer is...stuff in hot dog and sausage form, found at a little establishment called Hot Doug's. Get it? Hot Dog? Hot Doug? Brilliant. Thank god the guy's name was Doug. Imagine if it was Gerald! What would he even do with his life?!

Anyhow, I digress. Hot Doug's effing rules. They have perfected an art...the art of encasing meat. It grosses me out to write it, and I'm sure it will gross out some of you to read it, but if only you could taste it, dudes, you'd understand. Encased meat is a GOOD thing! Whether it's wild boar, lamb, or pork for the man's man, italian or polish sausage for you foreigners, or rattlesnake, alligator, or "vegetarian" (I know...totally weird) for you exotic eaters, they've got something that will suit your fancy. And toppings abound. And it's all served in a neat little package, otherwise known as a bun. Check the menu:




I like the idea of a restaurant serving food in only one shape. Why bother getting all fancy? Just make it into a sausage. You want a steak? How about a steak-flavored sausage! It's perfect! It reminds me of the Simpsons episode when Homer eats everything in bar form, turning a pound of spaghetti and meatballs into a compact granola-bar-sized item. It's inspiring, really...in today's world, there's no time to waste! Everything should be in sausage form from now on - macaroni and cheese, pizza, fruit, vodka tonics...why not?

I mean really. An enjoyable sausage fest? This is remarkable.

Also they make their fries in duck fat, but only on the weekends. Come ON!!!
Here is one of the more popular items, the Chicago Dog: a grilled hot dog with tomato, relish, onions, mustard, pickle, and celery salt.
Another picture of The Chicago Dog. Classic.

The Irish Banger. With yellow mustard and cheddar cheese. BANG! This rocked

A lamb sausage with cheese on it. Rumor has it that "it tastes just like a mild kebab."

The reuben one, or the Teuben. Ugh. The name makes me want to barf, but the taste was remarkable.

Cheese fries! Not the best choice for you lactose-intolerant ones out there, but probably worth it anyway.

And the famous duck fat fries. I don't really even know what that means, but I would define it as "salty and more delicious than usual."

Check it: Hot Doug's!

You know, I've heard some negative talk about places like Hot Doug's, mostly people criticizing those who wait in line for so long just to eat hot dogs. Lame. Don't hate, haters! Not only is the food good, but it's all just so FUNNY. I mean, this place is called Hot Doug's; that's hilarious! It reminds me of Kuma's Corner, a burger place in Chicago where the menu is comprised mostly of burgers named after metal bands. You might end up waiting an hour or two for a table if you go on a Friday night, but so what? You're probably about to eat a burger called The Bongzilla, The Lair of the Minotaur, The Plague Bringer, or The Goblin Cock. That, too, is very funny! Plus, the burgers are damn good, and alls you need is some good friends and a few vodka drinks in you, and that hour or two just flies by. Before you know it, you'll be eating a Goblin Cock and all will be well in the world.

So stop your hating, wait in line for a little bit, and you'll earn your just desserts. You see, sometimes we do things for the experience, okay? And, in these cases, the experience results sexy results, i.e. Delicious Food. Come on now. Get with the program.