Happy Pranksgiving, jerks!
Showing posts with label How Awesome I Am. Show all posts
Showing posts with label How Awesome I Am. Show all posts
Thursday, November 25, 2010
The Mythological Beast, The One, The Only, The Legendary...OLE TURKEY BOOBS
Just a reminder that this exists:
Happy Pranksgiving, jerks!
Happy Pranksgiving, jerks!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Delicious Food vs. Some Doctor, or A Very Special Thanksgiving
Man, why do people have to mess with stuff that is just fine the way it is?! I ask you! The Huffington Post recently published an article by Michael Roizen, M.D. about staying fit between Thanksgiving and New Year's. What the hell, man? What's everybody's problem? It's Thanksgiving, the best holiday of the year! The entire day is dedicated to eating; what could be better? Plus, this is the exact time of year I want to eat everything in sight whilst laying on the couch. It's cold out here in the Midwest, and I'm all confused from the days getting shorter, and there's good television on...why the hell shouldn't I sit around eating delicious, and possibly unhealthy, foods, maybe while falling asleep every few minutes, crumbs on my collar? Jeez.
So, to the doctor who compiled these "helpful tips," if you can even call them that, I present to you my own altered version. Now these are some real tips...BEEF tips! Wait, no, these are actual good tips on how to enjoy a wonderful and important holiday and not act like a jackass all the time.
Dr. R. says: Keep your hands occupied. Never leave your hands free at a party. Having a glass of water in one hand is a great idea.
DF says: Another great way to occupy your hands is the following: giant turkey leg in right hand and left hand unbuckling your belt to make room for more. Option 2: Serving spoon of mashed potatoes in the right hand, left hand high five-ing the other people at the table. Option 3: A sandwich so large that it takes both hands to hold it.
Dr. R. says: Hang out near the veggie table.
DF says: Near the what?! Please. Hang out near the bar, the trays of appetizers, the dinner table, the dessert counter. Anywhere but the veggie table. In fact, if there even is a veggie table at your Thanksgiving Day event, leave. Immediately. Go somewhere better.
Dr. R. Says: Buy a dessert. If you must bring a desert, buy, don't bake it. You'll be less likely to sample it before the party.
DF says: Why not do both? Make one at home, sample as much of it as you like, then buy one for a nice little car snack on your way to Thanksgiving. Why pick and choose, Dr. R? One of each, am I right??
Dr. R. says: Choose protein-rich fillers. Eat 6 walnut halves, 20 peanuts or 12 almonds (all about 70 calories of fat) 30 minutes before you go to any party or meal. They will help fill you up.
DF says: I think he means meat. Meat is protein-rich. Go make yourself a steak, fill up on that before dinner, and then enjoy the actual Thanksgiving feast 30 minutes later. You'll do fine. Don't worry, babies.
Dr. R. says: Watch what you drink.
DF says: Yep. You should watch what I drink! You'll be impressed. I'll start with a flute of champagne, then move on to a few vodka cocktails, have a glass of wine or 4 with dinner, and at the end of the night enjoy that very special creamy after-dinner drink. Like a white russian or a tequila rose or a Bailey's on ice. Yes, watch what I drink. You'll love me even more than usual.
Dr. R. says: Eye your pie before you try. Check out the entire spread before serving yourself and go through the line only once. Best choice -- pure pumpkin (has alpha-carotene, now shown to make your RealAge younger) -- and skip the crust.
DF says: Dr. R. must be confused. I think he means "Eye the pies, give 'em all a try." And by "try," I assume he is implying two to three hefty slices. Do not skip the crust. Add more crust if possible. Choose any pie that has whipped cream on it. If the pie does not have whipped cream on it, add some. Or better yet, add ice cream. Or both. Make a pie sandwich by stacking pie slices on top of one another. Have a pie eating contest. Pie, guys! PIE!!!
Dr. R says: Splurge a little at parties. It's OK to splurge a little when you're out and about. The rest of the time, eat like your normal, healthy self.
DF says: Replace "a little" with "frequently," and "parties" with "work," "home," "midnight," "the pool," "your leisure," or "parties." That's right, just be your normal, healthy self.
Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Whole Wheat Wild Rice Cranberry Walnut Stuffing
DF says: Hell no.
Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Mushroom Gravy
DF says: Only if I can pour it on top of my regular, meat-based, fatty delicious gravy. Double gravy! Now you're talkin'.
Dr. R. says: Cross stress off your to-do list. Shop online, stick to a budget, and don't be afraid to buy food instead of making it.
DF says: I can get behind this one. But I'd also cross off a few other things on my list, including morning jogs, low-fat anything, and veggie tables.
Dr. R. says: Start some new traditions. Get everybody together -- and away from the table -- to hang decorations, take a winter walk, play board games, belt out holiday songs or experience awe and wonder in your house of worship, at a concert, admiring Mother Nature's work, or in any other way that moves you.
DF says: I got a tradition for you, Dr. R.: Shutting Your Piehole! How about the tradition of Quit Flapping Ya Gums? This guy is a total quack.
Dr. R. says: Create a kitchen safety zone. Keep only the real, good-for-you seasonal treats in easy reach.
DF says: I'll take that and raise you a "put the chips on the couch pillow next to you and the beer in the mini-fridge under your feet and an ice cream sundae directly into your mouth and do this in every room besides the kitchen." That's right, I'm suggesting you make the other rooms in your house Awesome Zones. Bedroom awesome zone, bathroom awesome zone, garage awesome zone...you get my drift. Sure, the kitchen can be a Safety Zone (nerd) but at least the rest of the house isn't going to suck. Believe you me.
Dr. R. says: Don't skip exercise.
DF says: Do skip exercise. Some of these are very simple.
Ugh. Listen, everybody. I really hope you take some of these tips seriously. I'm worried that if we don't support this holiday, it won't last! So don't be a Thanksgiving Grinch, and please don't break my heart; eat some Delicious Food for once!
All photos borrowed from www.huffingtonpost.com.
So, to the doctor who compiled these "helpful tips," if you can even call them that, I present to you my own altered version. Now these are some real tips...BEEF tips! Wait, no, these are actual good tips on how to enjoy a wonderful and important holiday and not act like a jackass all the time.
Dr. R. says: Keep your hands occupied. Never leave your hands free at a party. Having a glass of water in one hand is a great idea.
DF says: Another great way to occupy your hands is the following: giant turkey leg in right hand and left hand unbuckling your belt to make room for more. Option 2: Serving spoon of mashed potatoes in the right hand, left hand high five-ing the other people at the table. Option 3: A sandwich so large that it takes both hands to hold it.
Dr. R. says: Hang out near the veggie table.
DF says: Near the what?! Please. Hang out near the bar, the trays of appetizers, the dinner table, the dessert counter. Anywhere but the veggie table. In fact, if there even is a veggie table at your Thanksgiving Day event, leave. Immediately. Go somewhere better.
Dr. R. Says: Buy a dessert. If you must bring a desert, buy, don't bake it. You'll be less likely to sample it before the party.
DF says: Why not do both? Make one at home, sample as much of it as you like, then buy one for a nice little car snack on your way to Thanksgiving. Why pick and choose, Dr. R? One of each, am I right??
Dr. R. says: Choose protein-rich fillers. Eat 6 walnut halves, 20 peanuts or 12 almonds (all about 70 calories of fat) 30 minutes before you go to any party or meal. They will help fill you up.
DF says: I think he means meat. Meat is protein-rich. Go make yourself a steak, fill up on that before dinner, and then enjoy the actual Thanksgiving feast 30 minutes later. You'll do fine. Don't worry, babies.
Dr. R. says: Watch what you drink.
DF says: Yep. You should watch what I drink! You'll be impressed. I'll start with a flute of champagne, then move on to a few vodka cocktails, have a glass of wine or 4 with dinner, and at the end of the night enjoy that very special creamy after-dinner drink. Like a white russian or a tequila rose or a Bailey's on ice. Yes, watch what I drink. You'll love me even more than usual.
Dr. R. says: Eye your pie before you try. Check out the entire spread before serving yourself and go through the line only once. Best choice -- pure pumpkin (has alpha-carotene, now shown to make your RealAge younger) -- and skip the crust.
DF says: Dr. R. must be confused. I think he means "Eye the pies, give 'em all a try." And by "try," I assume he is implying two to three hefty slices. Do not skip the crust. Add more crust if possible. Choose any pie that has whipped cream on it. If the pie does not have whipped cream on it, add some. Or better yet, add ice cream. Or both. Make a pie sandwich by stacking pie slices on top of one another. Have a pie eating contest. Pie, guys! PIE!!!
Dr. R says: Splurge a little at parties. It's OK to splurge a little when you're out and about. The rest of the time, eat like your normal, healthy self.
DF says: Replace "a little" with "frequently," and "parties" with "work," "home," "midnight," "the pool," "your leisure," or "parties." That's right, just be your normal, healthy self.
Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Whole Wheat Wild Rice Cranberry Walnut Stuffing
DF says: Hell no.
Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Mushroom Gravy
DF says: Only if I can pour it on top of my regular, meat-based, fatty delicious gravy. Double gravy! Now you're talkin'.
Dr. R. says: Cross stress off your to-do list. Shop online, stick to a budget, and don't be afraid to buy food instead of making it.
DF says: I can get behind this one. But I'd also cross off a few other things on my list, including morning jogs, low-fat anything, and veggie tables.
Dr. R. says: Start some new traditions. Get everybody together -- and away from the table -- to hang decorations, take a winter walk, play board games, belt out holiday songs or experience awe and wonder in your house of worship, at a concert, admiring Mother Nature's work, or in any other way that moves you.
DF says: I got a tradition for you, Dr. R.: Shutting Your Piehole! How about the tradition of Quit Flapping Ya Gums? This guy is a total quack.
Dr. R. says: Create a kitchen safety zone. Keep only the real, good-for-you seasonal treats in easy reach.
DF says: I'll take that and raise you a "put the chips on the couch pillow next to you and the beer in the mini-fridge under your feet and an ice cream sundae directly into your mouth and do this in every room besides the kitchen." That's right, I'm suggesting you make the other rooms in your house Awesome Zones. Bedroom awesome zone, bathroom awesome zone, garage awesome zone...you get my drift. Sure, the kitchen can be a Safety Zone (nerd) but at least the rest of the house isn't going to suck. Believe you me.
Dr. R. says: Don't skip exercise.
DF says: Do skip exercise. Some of these are very simple.
Ugh. Listen, everybody. I really hope you take some of these tips seriously. I'm worried that if we don't support this holiday, it won't last! So don't be a Thanksgiving Grinch, and please don't break my heart; eat some Delicious Food for once!
All photos borrowed from www.huffingtonpost.com.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Actually Trying: It's New, But It Could Be Good
So here’s the thing. Did you know that food doesn’t have to be bought at a restaurant and cost a lot of money to be delicious? I know, crazy, right? I mean, we all know that the best foods are those prepared by others while we consumers of said food sit (or lay) around on comfy chairs or couches, watching old episodes of Behind the Music and Iron Chef until the food is placed directly in front of us. Or maybe even directly into our mouths! Now that would be something. You know why this is all so awesome? Because you don’t have to do any work. That’s why.
Well…I have recently found that this is not always the case. Sometimes, and I stress the some part of that word, because it’s for sure not all times, you can actually make some good food on your own. In your home. No, I’m serious! Like…you can go to the store and buy groceries and prepare and cook the food in your very own kitchen, and it can still taste good. On a recent visit to a colleague in Atlanta, GA, I learned a few things about food-related hard work and discipline. And cooking.
I know, I know. It sounds weird and modern and unappealing, doesn’t it? Down with new things! Boo to fun and trying!!! Well maybe you should quit your whining and naysaying and listen up for a change. Has Delicious Food ever steered you wrong in the past? I ask you!
Let’s start with drinks, or as I like to call them, dranks. Here we have what is known as a Living Room Happy Hour: lemonade, tequila, and ginger ale adorned by a yellow plastic monkey and green plastic mermaid. Yes, I was a big disgruntled that I couldn’t actually eat the plastic figures, or “effects,” as I like to call them, but the dranks made up for this disappointment. And made me forget all about it. And everything else as well, because man, they were boozey.
And here, at a separate Living Room Happy Hour, we have one of the more sophisticated dranks available here in America: Champagne. I, personally, prefer a classy Champale, or perhaps a nice André Pink Champagne, but I was a guest and didn’t want to complain. Ha, just kidding. I totally berated the server of this drink until she couldn’t take it anymore and punched me square in the mouth. Then we hugged and cried for a bit, and shared memories of better times while having some more Classy Drank. It all worked out in the end.
Okay, so…fruit. You know, fruit can actually be delicious sometimes. I do still believe that this is one food that is always going to be better when somebody else prepares it. But, and this is a first for me, this time I actually helped in this process! See those blueberries in the picture below? I washed those and stuck them in that bowl. For real, I did. It was a little annoying and tiring, but I didn’t suffer too greatly. I guess.
Now this, this is what I like to see! Plates full of cut up stuff. And a special bowl just for olives, with a special spoon that drains out the oil. Look at all the toppings! Think of all the possible combinations! Yes, there’s a bit of work involved here, as you have to assemble on your own (I know, it’s really intimidating, but just effing try for once, okay??), but it is totally delicious.
You know why these platters are so great? Because you get to pile it all on top of a bagel. Maybe there will even be various cheeses available to go between the bagel and toppings. And just think of the possible combinations you can make! Will it be brie, avocado, and red tomato? Or perhaps Bulgarian feta with cucumber, black tomato, and olives? WHO KNOWS, when you make your own food at home?! I know, crazy, right?? Jeez, I’m all riled up here.
Besides the bagels, you can have your choice of other breads, aka carbs. Carbs are so great, don’t you think? Here is a plate of brioche and foccacia, which are both just fancy words for “carbs.” CARBS!
On to the appetizers! Or appeteasers, if you like?!?! I take it back. I definitely don’t want you to like the word “appeteasers.” It’s really dumb. But what’s not dumb is the actual appetizers. Cut up vegetables and “pita puffs” (this food had time-traveled from the future, I’m pretty sure) to dip in hummus. These go well with Living Room Happy Hour.
What happens when we pan the picture back a bit? Oh, just more appetizers! No big deal. Those are some delicious pigs in a really nice blanket, a.k.a. cocktail wieners in a parmesan sprinkled puff pastry. And in the bowl: nuts. Plenty of nuts.
Okay, this next part was the most hardcore because it required the most work. Meat and vegetables were all involved in marinating, roasting, seasoning, mixing, dressing, and sautéing, among many other things. So many steps. For most of this preparation, I sat on a stool and watched. Sometimes, it’s more helpful to stay out of the way than to offer to help. Especially if you’re lazy or if you’re me. I entertained with my classy wit and charm, and by playing Foreigner songs on the iPod. Totally helpful. Whatever.
Here are some roasted vegetables, including sweet potato, parsnip, green onion, and kohlrabi. Yeah, a bunch of damn hippie food, I know. But it was pretty tasty.
This is a beet salad made with both purple and golden beets. I know what you’re thinking: too many vegetables, right? Well, this was a one-time thing, everybody, so stop all the hating. It tasted good.
Oh…uh…another salad. More vegetables. Again, it was a one time thing. Shut it.
Ah, there’s the meat! This is boneless pork chops in a soy/honey/balsamic sauce. Pictures of meat are not exactly my forte, so I’ll thank you to shut up about it and continue being entertained by my brilliance. I mean god, you know I do this for free, don’t you? Ya thankless jerks. Anyhow, the pork:
And the complete diner plate. You’ll notice that the beet salad was accompanied by goat cheese and there was some of the aforementioned carbs with a whole bunch of olive oil on it. And a pesto dip for dipping the roasted vegetables. See, now? Not all vegetables. You all are relentless.
And so, I hope you understand my point about this whole “homemade” trend that seems to be sweeping the nation. Yes, I had my doubts as well, but this food really was delicious. We all know, however, that no Delicious Food Expedition would be complete without a sampling of the local cuisine, so here you go! Foods that were made by others and eaten by me:
Pizza with tomato and basil
Salad with fresh mozzarella and balsamic dressing
Turkey panini with Caesar salad
TACOS! So many tacos. Tacos from afar
And tacos close up.
The Pièce de Résistance: a cinnamon/chocolate popsicle dipped in whipped cream vodka. Oh lord, beer me strength to go on living my life without having one of these every hour of every day...
And to close off this trip full of hard work and cooking and new things and crying and struggling and resisting and laughing and loving, my reward: a vanilla milkshake and chicken sandwich from Chik-fil-A. I mean, come on. I really deserved this.
Well…I have recently found that this is not always the case. Sometimes, and I stress the some part of that word, because it’s for sure not all times, you can actually make some good food on your own. In your home. No, I’m serious! Like…you can go to the store and buy groceries and prepare and cook the food in your very own kitchen, and it can still taste good. On a recent visit to a colleague in Atlanta, GA, I learned a few things about food-related hard work and discipline. And cooking.
I know, I know. It sounds weird and modern and unappealing, doesn’t it? Down with new things! Boo to fun and trying!!! Well maybe you should quit your whining and naysaying and listen up for a change. Has Delicious Food ever steered you wrong in the past? I ask you!
Let’s start with drinks, or as I like to call them, dranks. Here we have what is known as a Living Room Happy Hour: lemonade, tequila, and ginger ale adorned by a yellow plastic monkey and green plastic mermaid. Yes, I was a big disgruntled that I couldn’t actually eat the plastic figures, or “effects,” as I like to call them, but the dranks made up for this disappointment. And made me forget all about it. And everything else as well, because man, they were boozey.
And here, at a separate Living Room Happy Hour, we have one of the more sophisticated dranks available here in America: Champagne. I, personally, prefer a classy Champale, or perhaps a nice André Pink Champagne, but I was a guest and didn’t want to complain. Ha, just kidding. I totally berated the server of this drink until she couldn’t take it anymore and punched me square in the mouth. Then we hugged and cried for a bit, and shared memories of better times while having some more Classy Drank. It all worked out in the end.
Okay, so…fruit. You know, fruit can actually be delicious sometimes. I do still believe that this is one food that is always going to be better when somebody else prepares it. But, and this is a first for me, this time I actually helped in this process! See those blueberries in the picture below? I washed those and stuck them in that bowl. For real, I did. It was a little annoying and tiring, but I didn’t suffer too greatly. I guess.
Now this, this is what I like to see! Plates full of cut up stuff. And a special bowl just for olives, with a special spoon that drains out the oil. Look at all the toppings! Think of all the possible combinations! Yes, there’s a bit of work involved here, as you have to assemble on your own (I know, it’s really intimidating, but just effing try for once, okay??), but it is totally delicious.
You know why these platters are so great? Because you get to pile it all on top of a bagel. Maybe there will even be various cheeses available to go between the bagel and toppings. And just think of the possible combinations you can make! Will it be brie, avocado, and red tomato? Or perhaps Bulgarian feta with cucumber, black tomato, and olives? WHO KNOWS, when you make your own food at home?! I know, crazy, right?? Jeez, I’m all riled up here.
Besides the bagels, you can have your choice of other breads, aka carbs. Carbs are so great, don’t you think? Here is a plate of brioche and foccacia, which are both just fancy words for “carbs.” CARBS!
On to the appetizers! Or appeteasers, if you like?!?! I take it back. I definitely don’t want you to like the word “appeteasers.” It’s really dumb. But what’s not dumb is the actual appetizers. Cut up vegetables and “pita puffs” (this food had time-traveled from the future, I’m pretty sure) to dip in hummus. These go well with Living Room Happy Hour.
What happens when we pan the picture back a bit? Oh, just more appetizers! No big deal. Those are some delicious pigs in a really nice blanket, a.k.a. cocktail wieners in a parmesan sprinkled puff pastry. And in the bowl: nuts. Plenty of nuts.
Okay, this next part was the most hardcore because it required the most work. Meat and vegetables were all involved in marinating, roasting, seasoning, mixing, dressing, and sautéing, among many other things. So many steps. For most of this preparation, I sat on a stool and watched. Sometimes, it’s more helpful to stay out of the way than to offer to help. Especially if you’re lazy or if you’re me. I entertained with my classy wit and charm, and by playing Foreigner songs on the iPod. Totally helpful. Whatever.
Here are some roasted vegetables, including sweet potato, parsnip, green onion, and kohlrabi. Yeah, a bunch of damn hippie food, I know. But it was pretty tasty.
This is a beet salad made with both purple and golden beets. I know what you’re thinking: too many vegetables, right? Well, this was a one-time thing, everybody, so stop all the hating. It tasted good.
Oh…uh…another salad. More vegetables. Again, it was a one time thing. Shut it.
Ah, there’s the meat! This is boneless pork chops in a soy/honey/balsamic sauce. Pictures of meat are not exactly my forte, so I’ll thank you to shut up about it and continue being entertained by my brilliance. I mean god, you know I do this for free, don’t you? Ya thankless jerks. Anyhow, the pork:
And the complete diner plate. You’ll notice that the beet salad was accompanied by goat cheese and there was some of the aforementioned carbs with a whole bunch of olive oil on it. And a pesto dip for dipping the roasted vegetables. See, now? Not all vegetables. You all are relentless.
And so, I hope you understand my point about this whole “homemade” trend that seems to be sweeping the nation. Yes, I had my doubts as well, but this food really was delicious. We all know, however, that no Delicious Food Expedition would be complete without a sampling of the local cuisine, so here you go! Foods that were made by others and eaten by me:
Pizza with tomato and basil
Salad with fresh mozzarella and balsamic dressing
Turkey panini with Caesar salad
TACOS! So many tacos. Tacos from afar
And tacos close up.
The Pièce de Résistance: a cinnamon/chocolate popsicle dipped in whipped cream vodka. Oh lord, beer me strength to go on living my life without having one of these every hour of every day...
And to close off this trip full of hard work and cooking and new things and crying and struggling and resisting and laughing and loving, my reward: a vanilla milkshake and chicken sandwich from Chik-fil-A. I mean, come on. I really deserved this.
Monday, June 11, 2007
My New Home
Did you miss me? When I was gone, did you miss me? Well I didn't really miss any of you, considering I never get any love anymore. Really, my message inbox is constantly empty, my comments are seriously lacking...even my hate mail and threatening letters have dwindled to practically nothing. Bitch bitch bitch.
Anyhow, I highly doubt you even NOTICED I was gone, but I was. My most recent search for delicious food took me abroad, pals, and let me tell you, it was quite a journey. I'm back at my new home here on Blogger but I promise to continue to visit my old home on MySpace.
Realizing that I had to make myself more available to my fans was truly a humbling experience. A delicious, humbling, international, internationally acclaimed experience. Now I truly encourage you to stay and see the pictures, check out the blog, and for god's sake, give me some love.
I got love in far-off MySpace, why can't I get it here?
xoxo, delicious food
Anyhow, I highly doubt you even NOTICED I was gone, but I was. My most recent search for delicious food took me abroad, pals, and let me tell you, it was quite a journey. I'm back at my new home here on Blogger but I promise to continue to visit my old home on MySpace.
Realizing that I had to make myself more available to my fans was truly a humbling experience. A delicious, humbling, international, internationally acclaimed experience. Now I truly encourage you to stay and see the pictures, check out the blog, and for god's sake, give me some love.
I got love in far-off MySpace, why can't I get it here?
xoxo, delicious food
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