Wednesday, June 10, 2009

It's Been Such a Long Time, I think I Must be Going... To the bathroom to vomit that is

Dudes, dudes! I have had such a gross day based on unsolicited food suggestions from jackasses that I was moved (in addition to a certain other kind of movement) to share my outrage with you, my frenemies.

See, I was minding my own business checking my email, enjoying a lovely and fulfilling breakfast of Oikos Greek Yogurt with Honey when what flashed across my screen but a recipe for [wait for it] Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole.

Oh. my. GAWD. Unless you're talking creamed spinach or clotted cream you better keep the cream references outta my face! And then you add SPAM??? I am convinced that this recipe had to be paid for by Beloit, Wisconsin, aka the home of the Hormel factory that fills the whole town with Spam fragrance. Who else would think this is a good idea?? Grody to the max.

And then, while I was indulging in delicious 5 cheese tortellini with spinach and sauteed portobella mushrooms, I find again in my email box, That Thing in a Jar:

Here's the disgusting description: Put homemade coleslaw and smoked turkey in a jar. Drizzle a bit of organic apple juice for sweetening. Add a layer of chopped barbecue meat from the grill, drizzle with barbecue sauce (add a touch of organic honey), and top with a layer of mac ’n’ cheese. (Anderson suggests baked elbow mac with white cheddar and parmesan grated coarsely over the top.) Finish with a layer of crumbled cornbread.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This has to be a mistake. If there is anything beautiful left in this world somebody please better come and gag me with a spoon. You advertisers are making me start to hate food and for this YOU and your STUPID FACES WILL PAY. Yeah you heard me. Watch out, jerks. I'm coming, I'm hungry AND I'm nauseous.

Screw Flanders.