Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Surviving the Land of Seafood

Hey there suckers! It's me, Delicious Food, gracing you with my delicious, generously kind, sexy-as-hell presence. Welcome to awesomeness, once again. You're not even going to believe my last adventure. Check this out...

My most recent travels took me to the Far East; in fact, I went as far east as New England! Thats pretty damn far, if you ask me. I had some business to attend to there, but as we've seen in the past, food would inevitably win out over business. A person's gotta eat, right? I've heard delicious rumors about the wonders of the East Coast cuisine, and I was ecstatic to go sample the local food. But I tell ya what, dudes. I should have done my research.

Did you even know that New England is famous for SEAFOOD??? What the hell? I mean, I know it's on the sea and everything, but damn. Who wants to be famous for seafood? I can't think of a more hated food, in my opinion at least. And where was all the English food? Did they leave it behind in Olde England? There was no bangers and mash to be found, no steak and kidney pie, nothing! What gives?

Thankfully, with the help of some fast thinking and creative minds (along with the irresistibly charming sparkle in my eye and sexy swagger in my walk), I was able to scrounge up a few bites to eat in the time I spent there. But it was a true challenge. One that not just anybody can take on. I'm lucky I got out alive...

My associate and I stumbled upon some deliciousness here and there, and I now like to think of this food as the staples of New England. You know...margaritas, nachos, fries, get the idea. Regular People food. It's what us human beings like to eat. So it is with great confidence and pride that I say the following:

Sucks to you seafood. Sucks to you.

Check out the pictures and subscribe to the blog! Eat your heart out, bitches.

xoxo, Delicious Food

Eggs Florentine (fancy word for spinach) plus toast and Boston Baked Beans
Omelette with potatoes and bacon and sour cream and cheese and more beans. Beans in the morning = gassy all day long.
Baked artichoke dip that tasted mostly like cheese and garlic.
Grilled chicken sammie with cheese and avocado, and a side of sweet potato fries
An associate of mine sampled the crab cakes. It's the closest thing to seafood I'd eat. But I probably won't.
The classy version of Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich. Snobbery, I say.
Strawberry margarita. God, finally.
Mango margarita. Dessert to the strawberry one, which was the main course.
Chips and salsa, one of the more traditional New England foods.
A big ass pile of nachos.
Quesadilla. No shrimp in this, mind you. I'm not stupid.
Chocolate chip cookies. There's just no way to eff these up.
Oh, just a little street called SANDWICH ST!
And two separate towns, both called Sandwich! I'm glad SOMEbody in Nude England has some sense...

I tell you, man. I just cannot get behind an entire region that specializes in seafood. So, with that, I say sucks to you, not only seafood, but all of Nude England! I'm going to spend more time in the midwest, where cakes are made of batter and there are no shrimps hidden in my pasta. You know, normal things. Jeez.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

The True Gourmet Cuisine: Fast Food and Chain Restaurants

Okay, okay. Everybody quiet down. We need to have a talk. I've heard some of you talking around the water cooler, discussing something very important to me. Yes, my loyal readers, once again, the issue of Gourmet Cuisine has arisen. And I've got something to say.

First of all, it's time to get down off that pedestal of hoity-toity and snobbery. I mean, really. Look at you, up there on your gleaming tower of organic, grain-fed, vegan cuisine! Come off it, man! I've found something even better. And cheaper. In fact, maybe you too would have noticed it if you managed to take your head out of your free range BE-hind and look around you for once. Damn...I always have to do all the work around here.

Now, I know you're busy eating anything with the words "braised," "carmelized," "aged," "dry-aged," "truffled," "exotic," "ragout," "reduction," or "glazed," in it, but seriously dudes. come back down here to regular town, ya jackass! Wait, I take back one of those. I don't mind the word "glazed" if we're talking about a donut. "glazed carrots," however? not for me. I like regular people food.

There is no reason for you to be such a snob when the real secret to fine gourmet cuisine lies right in front of you on most main streets and definitely at every truck stop. You can find this kind of cuisine in any town, and it doesn't empty out your pockets (unlike certain Roasted Kona Kampachi with a Fennel-Pollen Crust that I know...). Undeserving readers, it is with great honor that i now present to you....FAST FOOD AND CHAIN RESTAURANTS.

My god. if you're looking for The Best of The Best, or as the French might say, La Crème de la Crème (you. are. a. snob. ...ya damn frenchy), look no further. I have been traveling again, this time to the four corners of the country. That's right...out east to a quaint little bistro with a clever name...TGI Friday's. Hilarious! South to Texas where i enjoyed my first ever Jack in the Box. West to California where I encountered the rare, but delicious, Taco Bell and Burger King. And North to Wisconsin, to visit...well...a place called Michael's. It's kind of the poor man's fast food...they serve "custard" instead of ice cream. what gives??!! I don't know...I guess I felt bad for them, so I included them.

Anyhow, let me tell you. THIS is the cuisine to be discussing at the water cooler! Did you know that at taco bell, you can get 4 burritos for about $3.50? And at Burger King, they have a $.99 menu. A WHOLE menu dedicated to only spending 99 cents! Now that's classy! And you don't even have to get up out of your car! If you're interested in a slightly more active dining experience, Chili's will be right up your alley. Now that is a classy joint. The booths are greasy so you can slide right in and out of them, no matter how much you eat! Plus, all of this food is truly delicious. I think the cooks, or sous-chefs, if you prefer (give me a BREAK), must add little something-somethings to their food. Perhaps some kind of...oh, I don't know...additives? addictive substances? chemicals? animal parts? Whatever the magic ingredient, I know it's wonderful.

See for yourselves! And then go get me a Sausage McMuffin. They only serve breakfast til 10:30 though, so you'll have to hurry up.

xoxo, delicious food

fountain cokes and fries...what more could a girl ask for, really?

if i showed you what was under the wrapper, vegetarians wouldn't exist

a beacon of light in the middle of a 1000 mile drive.

ultimate cheeseburger...its blurry because i had the hunger shakes

chicken sammie...blurry again from the ole shakes.

green beans = boring. FRIED green beans = delicious!

each nacho is individually topped. no fighting for toppings here.

sick. who would even eat this? this is embarassing...

that is a bucket of cheese in which to dip your cheeseburger.

chicago dog. it comes close.

peanut butter sundae from michaels...the poor man's chain restaurant.

BOSTOM EFFING MARKET! these'll give you the indigestion.

fries from wendy's are fat. because they make you fat.

ooh! chicken crispers from chili's! great whilst high.

you pick 3. ribs, chicken, shrimps (ew), potatoes, and broccoli. damn.

"healthy choice" FRIED CHICKEN salad. with ranch, most likely.

the size of a meximelt is often compared to that of a human turd.

that would be meat, cheese, sauce, onions...all your basics.

the real king