Delicious Food vs. Some Doctor, or A Very Special Thanksgiving

Man, why do people have to mess with stuff that is just fine the way it is?! I ask you! The Huffington Post recently published an article by Michael Roizen, M.D. about staying fit between Thanksgiving and New Year's. What the hell, man? What's everybody's problem? It's Thanksgiving, the best holiday of the year! The entire day is dedicated to eating; what could be better? Plus, this is the exact time of year I want to eat everything in sight whilst laying on the couch. It's cold out here in the Midwest, and I'm all confused from the days getting shorter, and there's good television on...why the hell shouldn't I sit around eating delicious, and possibly unhealthy, foods, maybe while falling asleep every few minutes, crumbs on my collar? Jeez.

So, to the doctor who compiled these "helpful tips," if you can even call them that, I present to you my own altered version. Now these are some real tips...BEEF tips! Wait, no, these are actual good tips on how to enjoy a wonderful and important holiday and not act like a jackass all the time.

Dr. R. says: Keep your hands occupied. Never leave your hands free at a party. Having a glass of water in one hand is a great idea.
DF says: Another great way to occupy your hands is the following: giant turkey leg in right hand and left hand unbuckling your belt to make room for more. Option 2: Serving spoon of mashed potatoes in the right hand, left hand high five-ing the other people at the table. Option 3: A sandwich so large that it takes both hands to hold it.

Dr. R. says: Hang out near the veggie table.
DF says: Near the what?! Please. Hang out near the bar, the trays of appetizers, the dinner table, the dessert counter. Anywhere but the veggie table. In fact, if there even is a veggie table at your Thanksgiving Day event, leave. Immediately. Go somewhere better.

Dr. R. Says: Buy a dessert. If you must bring a desert, buy, don't bake it. You'll be less likely to sample it before the party.
DF says: Why not do both? Make one at home, sample as much of it as you like, then buy one for a nice little car snack on your way to Thanksgiving. Why pick and choose, Dr. R? One of each, am I right??

Dr. R. says: Choose protein-rich fillers. Eat 6 walnut halves, 20 peanuts or 12 almonds (all about 70 calories of fat) 30 minutes before you go to any party or meal. They will help fill you up.
DF says: I think he means meat. Meat is protein-rich. Go make yourself a steak, fill up on that before dinner, and then enjoy the actual Thanksgiving feast 30 minutes later. You'll do fine. Don't worry, babies.

Dr. R. says: Watch what you drink.
DF says: Yep. You should watch what I drink! You'll be impressed. I'll start with a flute of champagne, then move on to a few vodka cocktails, have a glass of wine or 4 with dinner, and at the end of the night enjoy that very special creamy after-dinner drink. Like a white russian or a tequila rose or a Bailey's on ice. Yes, watch what I drink. You'll love me even more than usual.

Dr. R. says: Eye your pie before you try. Check out the entire spread before serving yourself and go through the line only once. Best choice -- pure pumpkin (has alpha-carotene, now shown to make your RealAge younger) -- and skip the crust.
DF says: Dr. R. must be confused. I think he means "Eye the pies, give 'em all a try." And by "try," I assume he is implying two to three hefty slices. Do not skip the crust. Add more crust if possible. Choose any pie that has whipped cream on it. If the pie does not have whipped cream on it, add some. Or better yet, add ice cream. Or both. Make a pie sandwich by stacking pie slices on top of one another. Have a pie eating contest. Pie, guys! PIE!!!

Dr. R says: Splurge a little at parties. It's OK to splurge a little when you're out and about. The rest of the time, eat like your normal, healthy self.
DF says: Replace "a little" with "frequently," and "parties" with "work," "home," "midnight," "the pool," "your leisure," or "parties." That's right, just be your normal, healthy self.

Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Whole Wheat Wild Rice Cranberry Walnut Stuffing
DF says: Hell no.

Dr. R. says: Try this recipe: Mushroom Gravy
DF says: Only if I can pour it on top of my regular, meat-based, fatty delicious gravy. Double gravy! Now you're talkin'.

Dr. R. says: Cross stress off your to-do list. Shop online, stick to a budget, and don't be afraid to buy food instead of making it.
DF says: I can get behind this one. But I'd also cross off a few other things on my list, including morning jogs, low-fat anything, and veggie tables.

Dr. R. says: Start some new traditions. Get everybody together -- and away from the table -- to hang decorations, take a winter walk, play board games, belt out holiday songs or experience awe and wonder in your house of worship, at a concert, admiring Mother Nature's work, or in any other way that moves you.
DF says: I got a tradition for you, Dr. R.: Shutting Your Piehole! How about the tradition of Quit Flapping Ya Gums? This guy is a total quack.

Dr. R. says: Create a kitchen safety zone. Keep only the real, good-for-you seasonal treats in easy reach.
DF says: I'll take that and raise you a "put the chips on the couch pillow next to you and the beer in the mini-fridge under your feet and an ice cream sundae directly into your mouth and do this in every room besides the kitchen." That's right, I'm suggesting you make the other rooms in your house Awesome Zones. Bedroom awesome zone, bathroom awesome zone, garage awesome zone...you get my drift. Sure, the kitchen can be a Safety Zone (nerd) but at least the rest of the house isn't going to suck. Believe you me.

Dr. R. says: Don't skip exercise.
DF says: Do skip exercise. Some of these are very simple.

Ugh. Listen, everybody. I really hope you take some of these tips seriously. I'm worried that if we don't support this holiday, it won't last! So don't be a Thanksgiving Grinch, and please don't break my heart; eat some Delicious Food for once!

All photos borrowed from www.huffingtonpost.com.

It's Been Such a Long Time, I think I Must be Going... To the bathroom to vomit that is

Dudes, dudes! I have had such a gross day based on unsolicited food suggestions from jackasses that I was moved (in addition to a certain other kind of movement) to share my outrage with you, my frenemies.

See, I was minding my own business checking my email, enjoying a lovely and fulfilling breakfast of Oikos Greek Yogurt with Honey when what flashed across my screen but a recipe for [wait for it] Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole.

Oh. my. GAWD. Unless you're talking creamed spinach or clotted cream you better keep the cream references outta my face! And then you add SPAM??? I am convinced that this recipe had to be paid for by Beloit, Wisconsin, aka the home of the Hormel factory that fills the whole town with Spam fragrance. Who else would think this is a good idea?? Grody to the max.

And then, while I was indulging in delicious 5 cheese tortellini with spinach and sauteed portobella mushrooms, I find again in my email box, That Thing in a Jar:



Here's the disgusting description: Put homemade coleslaw and smoked turkey in a jar. Drizzle a bit of organic apple juice for sweetening. Add a layer of chopped barbecue meat from the grill, drizzle with barbecue sauce (add a touch of organic honey), and top with a layer of mac ’n’ cheese. (Anderson suggests baked elbow mac with white cheddar and parmesan grated coarsely over the top.) Finish with a layer of crumbled cornbread.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This has to be a mistake. If there is anything beautiful left in this world somebody please better come and gag me with a spoon. You advertisers are making me start to hate food and for this YOU and your STUPID FACES WILL PAY. Yeah you heard me. Watch out, jerks. I'm coming, I'm hungry AND I'm nauseous.

Screw Flanders.

Surviving the Land of Seafood

Hey there suckers! It's me, Delicious Food, gracing you with my delicious, generously kind, sexy-as-hell presence. Welcome to awesomeness, once again. You're not even going to believe my last adventure. Check this out...

My most recent travels took me to the Far East; in fact, I went as far east as New England! Thats pretty damn far, if you ask me. I had some business to attend to there, but as we've seen in the past, food would inevitably win out over business. A person's gotta eat, right? I've heard delicious rumors about the wonders of the East Coast cuisine, and I was ecstatic to go sample the local food. But I tell ya what, dudes. I should have done my research.

Did you even know that New England is famous for SEAFOOD??? What the hell? I mean, I know it's on the sea and everything, but damn. Who wants to be famous for seafood? I can't think of a more hated food, in my opinion at least. And where was all the English food? Did they leave it behind in Olde England? There was no bangers and mash to be found, no steak and kidney pie, nothing! What gives?

Thankfully, with the help of some fast thinking and creative minds (along with the irresistibly charming sparkle in my eye and sexy swagger in my walk), I was able to scrounge up a few bites to eat in the time I spent there. But it was a true challenge. One that not just anybody can take on. I'm lucky I got out alive...

My associate and I stumbled upon some deliciousness here and there, and I now like to think of this food as the staples of New England. You know...margaritas, nachos, fries, cookies...you get the idea. Regular People food. It's what us human beings like to eat. So it is with great confidence and pride that I say the following:

Sucks to you seafood. Sucks to you.

Check out the pictures and subscribe to the blog! Eat your heart out, bitches.

xoxo, Delicious Food

Eggs Florentine (fancy word for spinach) plus toast and Boston Baked Beans
Omelette with potatoes and bacon and sour cream and cheese and more beans. Beans in the morning = gassy all day long.
Baked artichoke dip that tasted mostly like cheese and garlic.
Grilled chicken sammie with cheese and avocado, and a side of sweet potato fries
An associate of mine sampled the crab cakes. It's the closest thing to seafood I'd eat. But I probably won't.
The classy version of Burger King's Italian Chicken Sandwich. Snobbery, I say.
Strawberry margarita. God, finally.
Mango margarita. Dessert to the strawberry one, which was the main course.
Chips and salsa, one of the more traditional New England foods.
A big ass pile of nachos.
Quesadilla. No shrimp in this, mind you. I'm not stupid.
Chocolate chip cookies. There's just no way to eff these up.
Oh, just a little street called SANDWICH ST!
And two separate towns, both called Sandwich! I'm glad SOMEbody in Nude England has some sense...

I tell you, man. I just cannot get behind an entire region that specializes in seafood. So, with that, I say sucks to you, not only seafood, but all of Nude England! I'm going to spend more time in the midwest, where cakes are made of batter and there are no shrimps hidden in my pasta. You know, normal things. Jeez.

The Opposite of Delicious is "Milk Teeth"

god. i am pissed.

if there's one thing i can't stand, its when people ruin food. now, i'm not just talking about the basic stuff, like when people put coconut on a perfectly good fruit salad, or when somebody puts BRAN in a banana bread, or like when somebody hides a pill in your applesauce...jeez! what the eff? i mean that's bad enough. but listen up people! i recently witnessed the worst of the worst, the grossest of the gross, the one thing that almost pushed me over the edge. i was so pissed off i couldn't even eat. i mean, i couldn't even EAT. You know why? because for some ungodly, stupid ass reason, people are making food that looks like a different food. sick. blech.

okay, let me explain. i'm a bit flustered and confused, and my usually elegant and brilliant wordplay is somewhat lacking, i must admit. But you'd be in a state too if you'd seen what i saw! people are taking one kind of food and making it look like something else! like this one...and i shudder even to write it....GUMMY FRIED EGGS. do they taste like fried eggs? No. are they made of egg? No, they're gummy. are they the grossest thing you'll ever see in your life? Fuck Yes.

i don't even know what everyone's problem is. jerks. try to make me go off the food. i'll show you. i'll show you all. anyhow, as usual, come see the pictures. and get ready to vomit. I don’t even want to TELL you about "milk teeth." excuse me. I'm vomitting right now.

GROSS

SICK

WHO WANTS TO EAT GLASS???

NOT IF YOU PAID ME IN MEATBALLS!

Moderately less offensive. STILL SOMEWHAT OFFENSIVE THOUGH.

SNAKES??? I'm VOMITTING!!!!