North Cackalacka: Home of the Everything. All the Time.

Oh. My. Word.

Do you know that I haven't made a blog in almost one year?? SO LAZY!!! I just can't help myself, dudes. I guess I could apologize, but really, I don't think I will. I mean, I know you all sit around, waiting for me to post new delicious pictures and new delicious blogs, and when I don't, it's like your entire soul is tortured and nothing in your life matters anymore. Am I right? I mean, you're pretty lucky to be reading this at all! So then, instead of apologizing for my extremely extended absence, I will instead say to you: You're Welcome. Let this be a gift to you, from an extremely generous giver. Me.

So one thing that I spent my time doing in the last year was traveling far and wide across the U.S. of A. Here's a little glimpse into one previously unvisited corner of the country: North Carolina. Man, these people know how to EAT! Seriously, I couldn't even tell you any of the other activities we did there. What matters is that we ate. Like, everything. And quite the variety! I had the pleasure of staying with an Italian. Who knows how to cook. AND! Who also knows how to go out to eat. What better combination in a woman?

Here are the pictures from my trip. Check the pics, forward my page, subscribe to the blog...basically, help me brag about how great I am! Wooo!

And as I sad before: You're Welcome.

xoxo, Delicious Food

A local delicacy called "coffee." I went out on a limb and put sugar and milk in mine. Delicious! Served with some sort of cheesy pastry.


Some sort of italian sub. It was so hard to stop eating in order to take this picture. That's why it's not a great picture.


So many beers...don't ask me what they all tasted like. Everything runs together. Booze is booze, man.


GIANT ONION RINGS!!!


Okay, so it's really just a tiny plate.


Turkey burger with montery jack cheese, sauteed veggies. I know, veggies are bogus sometimes. But dudes, we ate SO MUCH! Gimme a break!


Oh holy eff. NC Barbecue with coleslaw and Brunswick Stew. I...I can't even explain. My mouth waters. I grow faint with hunger and desire


Hush puppies! You put butter on this shit. I'm serious.


Chess pie. Who knew pie without chocolate or cherries could be so delicious? I think it's custard based. Oh, and sugar based.


So this was growing from a tree. After consulting the experts, we determined it was a caper. Hmm!


Homemade pizza, made my the Italian woman I stayed with. She made the dough herself, topped with olive oil, red and yellow tomatoes, and CHEESE!!!


I know you don't make friends with salad, but this one, I liked. I'm thinking it's the non-lettuce base.


Fruit! Uh...fruit.


Okay, so this was my monochromatic breakfast one morning. Omelette with white cheddar cheese and tasty onions. And cheese grits!


Black bean patties with eggs over medium and fresh salsa. And breakfast beer! Holy eff, these NCers do it up.


POUTINE. I'd eat this every day, but then I'd die by cholesterol.As in, my body would be made entirely of cholesterol.​Delicious choleste


Angel hair pasta with homemade pesto. Again, made by the Italian lady.


I'm telling you, this whole "homemade" thing really started to catch on! I mean, when somebody else makes it. Not me. I'm too lazy.


These southerners are Crazy People.

It's Been Such a Long Time, I think I Must be Going... To the bathroom to vomit that is

Dudes, dudes! I have had such a gross day based on unsolicited food suggestions from jackasses that I was moved (in addition to a certain other kind of movement) to share my outrage with you, my frenemies.

See, I was minding my own business checking my email, enjoying a lovely and fulfilling breakfast of Oikos Greek Yogurt with Honey when what flashed across my screen but a recipe for [wait for it] Creamy Spam Broccoli Casserole.

Oh. my. GAWD. Unless you're talking creamed spinach or clotted cream you better keep the cream references outta my face! And then you add SPAM??? I am convinced that this recipe had to be paid for by Beloit, Wisconsin, aka the home of the Hormel factory that fills the whole town with Spam fragrance. Who else would think this is a good idea?? Grody to the max.

And then, while I was indulging in delicious 5 cheese tortellini with spinach and sauteed portobella mushrooms, I find again in my email box, That Thing in a Jar:



Here's the disgusting description: Put homemade coleslaw and smoked turkey in a jar. Drizzle a bit of organic apple juice for sweetening. Add a layer of chopped barbecue meat from the grill, drizzle with barbecue sauce (add a touch of organic honey), and top with a layer of mac ’n’ cheese. (Anderson suggests baked elbow mac with white cheddar and parmesan grated coarsely over the top.) Finish with a layer of crumbled cornbread.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? This has to be a mistake. If there is anything beautiful left in this world somebody please better come and gag me with a spoon. You advertisers are making me start to hate food and for this YOU and your STUPID FACES WILL PAY. Yeah you heard me. Watch out, jerks. I'm coming, I'm hungry AND I'm nauseous.

Screw Flanders.

The True Gourmet Cuisine: Fast Food and Chain Restaurants

Okay, okay. Everybody quiet down. We need to have a talk. I've heard some of you talking around the water cooler, discussing something very important to me. Yes, my loyal readers, once again, the issue of Gourmet Cuisine has arisen. And I've got something to say.

First of all, it's time to get down off that pedestal of hoity-toity and snobbery. I mean, really. Look at you, up there on your gleaming tower of organic, grain-fed, vegan cuisine! Come off it, man! I've found something even better. And cheaper. In fact, maybe you too would have noticed it if you managed to take your head out of your free range BE-hind and look around you for once. Damn...I always have to do all the work around here.

Now, I know you're busy eating anything with the words "braised," "carmelized," "aged," "dry-aged," "truffled," "exotic," "ragout," "reduction," or "glazed," in it, but seriously dudes. come back down here to regular town, ya jackass! Wait, I take back one of those. I don't mind the word "glazed" if we're talking about a donut. "glazed carrots," however? not for me. I like regular people food.

There is no reason for you to be such a snob when the real secret to fine gourmet cuisine lies right in front of you on most main streets and definitely at every truck stop. You can find this kind of cuisine in any town, and it doesn't empty out your pockets (unlike certain Roasted Kona Kampachi with a Fennel-Pollen Crust that I know...). Undeserving readers, it is with great honor that i now present to you....FAST FOOD AND CHAIN RESTAURANTS.

My god. if you're looking for The Best of The Best, or as the French might say, La Crème de la Crème (you. are. a. snob. ...ya damn frenchy), look no further. I have been traveling again, this time to the four corners of the country. That's right...out east to a quaint little bistro with a clever name...TGI Friday's. Hilarious! South to Texas where i enjoyed my first ever Jack in the Box. West to California where I encountered the rare, but delicious, Taco Bell and Burger King. And North to Wisconsin, to visit...well...a place called Michael's. It's kind of the poor man's fast food...they serve "custard" instead of ice cream. what gives??!! I don't know...I guess I felt bad for them, so I included them.

Anyhow, let me tell you. THIS is the cuisine to be discussing at the water cooler! Did you know that at taco bell, you can get 4 burritos for about $3.50? And at Burger King, they have a $.99 menu. A WHOLE menu dedicated to only spending 99 cents! Now that's classy! And you don't even have to get up out of your car! If you're interested in a slightly more active dining experience, Chili's will be right up your alley. Now that is a classy joint. The booths are greasy so you can slide right in and out of them, no matter how much you eat! Plus, all of this food is truly delicious. I think the cooks, or sous-chefs, if you prefer (give me a BREAK), must add little something-somethings to their food. Perhaps some kind of...oh, I don't know...additives? addictive substances? chemicals? animal parts? Whatever the magic ingredient, I know it's wonderful.

See for yourselves! And then go get me a Sausage McMuffin. They only serve breakfast til 10:30 though, so you'll have to hurry up.

xoxo, delicious food


fountain cokes and fries...what more could a girl ask for, really?


if i showed you what was under the wrapper, vegetarians wouldn't exist


a beacon of light in the middle of a 1000 mile drive.


ultimate cheeseburger...its blurry because i had the hunger shakes

chicken sammie...blurry again from the ole shakes.

green beans = boring. FRIED green beans = delicious!

each nacho is individually topped. no fighting for toppings here.

sick. who would even eat this? this is embarassing...

that is a bucket of cheese in which to dip your cheeseburger.

chicago dog. it comes close.

peanut butter sundae from michaels...the poor man's chain restaurant.

BOSTOM EFFING MARKET! these'll give you the indigestion.

fries from wendy's are fat. because they make you fat.

ooh! chicken crispers from chili's! great whilst high.

you pick 3. ribs, chicken, shrimps (ew), potatoes, and broccoli. damn.

"healthy choice" FRIED CHICKEN salad. with ranch, most likely.

the size of a meximelt is often compared to that of a human turd.

that would be meat, cheese, sauce, onions...all your basics.

the real king

delicious food's second greatest hit - "precious foods"

here it is, jerks! delicious food has written a follow up to the number one greatest hit, "Deep Fried." I must admit, my mood was very different for this one. "Deep Fried" reflected much of my happiness regarding delicious food, and the wonderful experiences surrounding it. Last night, however, my mood was darker, deeper...more desperate. Dark enough, in fact, to be inspired Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos of all things. and that, my friends, is some dark shit. at least if you're 15. which i'm not. i'm just sayin'...

call it an angry, angst-filled rant. call it my proverbial cry for help. call it brilliance (actually i would prefer if you call it brilliance. let's be honest here, most of what i write is pure brilliance). call it what you will. frankly, i call it greatness. i call it....

"Precious Foods"

So I ate fasterbut it caught me here. Yes my stomach turnedlike the yogurt up in the fridge. Right next to the pickles, underneath the mayonaise.

These precious foods. cheesesteaks, rice and beans and corn. These precious foods, guacamole, crunchy bacon bits.

He said youre really a hungry girl...and I like the way you chew. And I died. But I thanked him. Can you believe it? I chomp, chomp, holding on to that chicken, that chicken leg.

I wanna smash my face in, into that beautiful cake, that birthday cake, so you can make me eat, that doesnt make you je-e-sus.

These precious foods. cheesesteaks, rice and beans and corn. These precious foods, guacamole, crunchy bacon bits.

I remember grits in my peach cobbler days, no one cared, no one dared to tell me where the collard greens are...those butter beans.with their sweet iced tea and little butter biscuits tucked inside the picnic basket of my heart.

These precious foods. cheesesteaks, rice and beans and corn. These precious foods, guacamole, crunchy bacon bits.

Precious...precious

xoxo, delicious food

The Opposite of Delicious is "Milk Teeth"

god. i am pissed.

if there's one thing i can't stand, its when people ruin food. now, i'm not just talking about the basic stuff, like when people put coconut on a perfectly good fruit salad, or when somebody puts BRAN in a banana bread, or like when somebody hides a pill in your applesauce...jeez! what the eff? i mean that's bad enough. but listen up people! i recently witnessed the worst of the worst, the grossest of the gross, the one thing that almost pushed me over the edge. i was so pissed off i couldn't even eat. i mean, i couldn't even EAT. You know why? because for some ungodly, stupid ass reason, people are making food that looks like a different food. sick. blech.

okay, let me explain. i'm a bit flustered and confused, and my usually elegant and brilliant wordplay is somewhat lacking, i must admit. But you'd be in a state too if you'd seen what i saw! people are taking one kind of food and making it look like something else! like this one...and i shudder even to write it....GUMMY FRIED EGGS. do they taste like fried eggs? No. are they made of egg? No, they're gummy. are they the grossest thing you'll ever see in your life? Fuck Yes.

i don't even know what everyone's problem is. jerks. try to make me go off the food. i'll show you. i'll show you all. anyhow, as usual, come see the pictures. and get ready to vomit. I don’t even want to TELL you about "milk teeth." excuse me. I'm vomitting right now.

GROSS

SICK

WHO WANTS TO EAT GLASS???

NOT IF YOU PAID ME IN MEATBALLS!

Moderately less offensive. STILL SOMEWHAT OFFENSIVE THOUGH.

SNAKES??? I'm VOMITTING!!!!

The 2 Most Requested Halloween Recipes

You greedy little goblins didn't get enough on Saturday night, did ya? You want more of the delicious food from the Halloween party, do ya? Well make it yourself!

MONKEY BREAD!
This stuff is delicious and always a hit at parties. Rather than slicing, it should be pulled apart and eaten with hands like a monkey. I sometimes prepare it ahead of time and then just bake it an hour before I want to serve it.

2 cans of refrigerated biscuits (10 pack, any flavor)
2 Tbs cinnamon
2 Tbs sugar
1 stick of butter/margarine
1 cup of brown sugar

Preheat oven to 375. Non-stick spray a bundt cake pan. Mix cinnamon and sugar in a ziploc baggie. Cut biscuits into quarters. Toss biscuit quarters (4-6 at a time) into the baggie and shake until pieces are covered with cinnamon sugar mixture. Remove from baggie and throw in the bundt pan on top of each other. Melt the butter/margarine in a separate bowl. Stir the brown sugar in well. Pour the butter/brown sugar mixture over the biscuits in the pan. Tilt the pan back and forth so that the mixture moves into nooks and crannies.

Bake at 375 for 3-35 minutes. Immediately after removing from oven, turn the pan upside-down onto a plate. Best when baked shortly before being served.

BUFFALO CHICKEN DIP!

courtesy of the lovely Tiffani- thanks girl!

4 boneless chicken breast cooked and shredded into pieces
1 container of cream cheese
1 8oz bottle of ranch dressing
1 8oz bottle of Texas Pete Buffalo Wing Sauce
3 cups of mozzarella and cheddar cheese

Just cook and shred the chicken, add the remaining ingredients, placing a portion of the shredded cheese on top and cook in the oven until bubbly and warm. Serve with celery, carrots and chips!

Spooktacular and Tantalizing!

So I just flew back to Sandwich, Illinois, and boy is my stomach tired. And full. And broken, kind of. This somewhat satisfying, but more so horrifyingly uncomfortable, condition is a direct result of yet another crashed party. That’s right, jerks. Since there was nothing good happening anywhere nearby ever in life (no thanks to you, my lazy ass “fans”), I invited my damn self to a spectacular Halloween party in Hotlanta, Georgia. Or should I say “spooktacular?” No, I agree. I don’t want to sound like a total knob. I’ll stick to spectacular.

And spectacular it was. The table was heavy with vittles; dips, chips, carbs, and cupcakes abounded. Tiny sandwiches were made with spinach dip and triangles of rye bread. There were appearances of foreign foods from several different lands, beyond even the Midwest. My famous “Stew” was created once again when I placed crushed up barbecue potato chips on top of the spinach and tomato couscous and ate it with a fork. Yeah, that’s right. You don’t even know me. This party rocked.

The one complaint I had was all the waste. I swear, one girl spilled four drinks all by herself within about seven minutes. For real? I mean, for REAL? God. Anyhow, there was also the incident with the tray of vodka-infused jello. You see, the bottom layer, or “skin,” if you will, was extremely hard and chewy, so people were just eating the top and throwing the gross part out in the yard. I understand being disgusted by certain things, i.e. certain curry flavors, funny bites of chicken, seafood in general (sick, guys). But really, this was just jello! What a waste…what a shame.

Oh, and one last thing. I love Burger King as much as the next guy, but when somebody showed up dressed up as the king, I just about lost it. I HATE that king! I couldn’t even look at his stupid monkey face. Not a good representative of the delicious burgers they sell, my friends. Not at all.

Besides the obvious stupidity and creepiness described above so eloquently, I have to say…this was a damn good party. And you missed it. Suckers. That’s what you get for being such suckers. I would strongly suggest coming to see the new pictures. I mean, it won’t even be close, I can guarantee that. But it’ll be as close as you jerks will ever get. Damn. What would you even do without me?

Xoxo, delicious food

P.S. There were a few other VERY delicious dishes --- Monkey Bread and Buffalo Chicken Dip to name a couple -- that did not get photographed becuase my dears, I overindulged on the hard stuff and lost my camera for awhile. Apologies for this act of neglect!

A cupcake tribute to the Chicago Bears


Ceasar Salad with fresh parmesean




Dolma (stuffed grapeleaves) and lemon slices




Black bean and corn salsa

Frankenstein Cookies (courtesy of A Bustle in a Hedgerow and A Spring clean for the May Queen)










Bruschetta on toast




Hummus with olive oil





Spinach dip with pretzel chips







veggie tray with ranch dressing

macaroni and cheese with tomatoes and peas













Couscous with spinach, tomatoes, and melted cheese





Mozzarella Cheese Sticks with Marinara Sauce (also delicious with CoolWip when in a munchie mood)









A cheese and ham party platter - a surprise from the sexiest Black Widow I've ever seen.






Life saving yogurt-covered pretzels - there was a rumor that one of the party hosts ate nothing but these and snap peas all night.








A Skeleton and Martian cake - dreadful! A delightful contribution from the Pearly Gates AND the Fires of Hell