Friday, October 22, 2010

Hot Doug's: A Total Sausage Fest

Okay, dudes. Okay. Try and stay calm. It finally happened...FINALLY. This past weekend, I went to a total sausage fest. And I mean a TOTAL sausage fest. And you know what? I actually enjoyed myself. Holy eff...

I was visiting Chicago, a small city just southeast of Beloit, Wisconsin, when my associates and I stumbled upon quite a sight. Underneath a small, cheap looking sign that included the tag line "The Sausage Superstore" was a line of about thirty people. "What the hell could they possibly be waiting for?" I wondered. It's not as if Chicago is known for it's fine cuisine or anything. What could be so delicious that somebody would wait for thirty other people to eat before they could even order? That's just absurd...what food could be that amazing?

My curiosity piqued and my stomach growling, we pulled over and got in line. And you know what? I found the answer to that question. The answer is...stuff in hot dog and sausage form, found at a little establishment called Hot Doug's. Get it? Hot Dog? Hot Doug? Brilliant. Thank god the guy's name was Doug. Imagine if it was Gerald! What would he even do with his life?!

Anyhow, I digress. Hot Doug's effing rules. They have perfected an art...the art of encasing meat. It grosses me out to write it, and I'm sure it will gross out some of you to read it, but if only you could taste it, dudes, you'd understand. Encased meat is a GOOD thing! Whether it's wild boar, lamb, or pork for the man's man, italian or polish sausage for you foreigners, or rattlesnake, alligator, or "vegetarian" (I know...totally weird) for you exotic eaters, they've got something that will suit your fancy. And toppings abound. And it's all served in a neat little package, otherwise known as a bun. Check the menu:

I like the idea of a restaurant serving food in only one shape. Why bother getting all fancy? Just make it into a sausage. You want a steak? How about a steak-flavored sausage! It's perfect! It reminds me of the Simpsons episode when Homer eats everything in bar form, turning a pound of spaghetti and meatballs into a compact granola-bar-sized item. It's inspiring, today's world, there's no time to waste! Everything should be in sausage form from now on - macaroni and cheese, pizza, fruit, vodka tonics...why not?

I mean really. An enjoyable sausage fest? This is remarkable.

Also they make their fries in duck fat, but only on the weekends. Come ON!!!
Here is one of the more popular items, the Chicago Dog: a grilled hot dog with tomato, relish, onions, mustard, pickle, and celery salt.
Another picture of The Chicago Dog. Classic.

The Irish Banger. With yellow mustard and cheddar cheese. BANG! This rocked

A lamb sausage with cheese on it. Rumor has it that "it tastes just like a mild kebab."

The reuben one, or the Teuben. Ugh. The name makes me want to barf, but the taste was remarkable.

Cheese fries! Not the best choice for you lactose-intolerant ones out there, but probably worth it anyway.

And the famous duck fat fries. I don't really even know what that means, but I would define it as "salty and more delicious than usual."

Check it: Hot Doug's!

You know, I've heard some negative talk about places like Hot Doug's, mostly people criticizing those who wait in line for so long just to eat hot dogs. Lame. Don't hate, haters! Not only is the food good, but it's all just so FUNNY. I mean, this place is called Hot Doug's; that's hilarious! It reminds me of Kuma's Corner, a burger place in Chicago where the menu is comprised mostly of burgers named after metal bands. You might end up waiting an hour or two for a table if you go on a Friday night, but so what? You're probably about to eat a burger called The Bongzilla, The Lair of the Minotaur, The Plague Bringer, or The Goblin Cock. That, too, is very funny! Plus, the burgers are damn good, and alls you need is some good friends and a few vodka drinks in you, and that hour or two just flies by. Before you know it, you'll be eating a Goblin Cock and all will be well in the world.

So stop your hating, wait in line for a little bit, and you'll earn your just desserts. You see, sometimes we do things for the experience, okay? And, in these cases, the experience results sexy results, i.e. Delicious Food. Come on now. Get with the program.

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