Super Bowl Parties: Competitive Snacking

The Chicago Bears are playing the Green Bay Packers today. Seeing as I have spent my lifetime nearly equally split between Illinois and Wisconsin, you'd think that it would be an exciting day for me. Well, it's not. I sort of don't care. What I expected to be huge amounts of excitement at the prospects of my two home-state teams playing each other has only resulted in apathy and feelings of laziness. The exciting history, rivalry, and energy of these two teams is doing nothing for me today.

You know why? Because today isn't even the Super Bowl! You see, the snacks at Super Bowl parties totally outdo snacks on almost any other day. Today is just that: any other day. That's right; I'm saving up my excitement for 2 weeks from now, when the actual Super Bowl happens. Today? Just a tease. Thoughts of weak beers and sad, store-bought dips fill my mind. Yeah, that's probably what all you suckers are subsisting on today. I understand though! I'm a very compassionate and understanding person, you know. You probably need to save your money and energy for February 6th for all the huge and delicious parties you'll be hosting - and inviting me to, correct? And I'm really hoping that you pull out all the stops. I'm picturing baked phyllo dough-based appetizers, various meats (hopefully in bite-sized form, perhaps on toothpicks), 5-6 different dips with both chip and vegetable options, something with melted cheese, and baked goods. Not to mention a plentiful selection of drinks!

Last year, I attended a Super Bowl party in Chicago, hosted by some of the stout men that have accompanied me on such adventures as Hot Doug's, Eating an Entire Awesome Blossom, and Family Dinner in the past. These are brave and hungry men (and some ladies in there too, also brave and hungry!), and they know how to throw down, snack-style. Check these pictures from that party:

First of all, they had a giant-screen television and a tall, lanky guy in a Bears jersey. The atmosphere was set. Not pictured: comfy couches. Great ambiance.

Chips and various dips.

The close-up reveals spinach dip, mango salsa, and guacamole.

Puffy Cheetos! These'll hurt the roof of your mouth a bit, so take it easy. If you even can!

Pigs in a blanket. Man, I love pigs in a blanket. I could eat hundreds of these.

Mostaccioli! Baked with extra cheese on top. That's what I'm talkin' about.

Wings. WINGS! I'm pretty sure these were from Buffalo Joe's, which I've been loving on since about 1995.

Meatballs! Like I mentioned earlier - on toothpicks. Delicious and easy to eat!

Hmm. Pot stickers. Anything goes!

A pizza! I think it was from CostCo. One of the stout men's moms brought this to the party. See, there were cute aspects of the party, too! Moms!

Italian beef. Delicious Italian beef, soaking in it's own juices. You place some of this on a nice, crusty bread, drop more of that meat juice on top, and eat it up. Ugh, my mouth is watering. Beef!!!

Beer. Actually, a pretty wonderful Wisconsin beer. Even those Chicago kids have to admit it - it's damn tasty.

My contribution: banana cupcakes with peanut butter frosting. Holy crap, I'm SO AMAZING!

Cut up fruit and pound cake. I know, I was skeptical too. But it came with a whipped cream-based dip (off to the side there). Dessert with dip! It's like two perfect things combined to make one more epic entity. Beautiful.

I think it's very possible that I may have been spoiled last year by this Chicago Super Bowl party. Man, the Bears weren't even playing and these people did it up. Imagine what would happen if the Bears were actually in the Super Bowl this year! I envision blue and orange jello shots, a remake of "The Fridge" burger from Ditka's restaurant, and perhaps actual bear meat. Wait, that bear meat would suck. Maybe I'd prefer that the Packers win and I attend a Wisconsin party: cheese and beer and fried cheese and cold beer and beer-battered cheese and maybe some kind of carb product in there somewhere, But wait! Chicago is famous for hot dogs and pizza and Italian beef - so many of my favorite things! On the other hand, Wisconsin has it's delicious fish fry and it's extensive collection of food on a stick. So many delicious choices...

Ugh, I'm so torn! I have no idea who I want to win this stupid game today! One more extremely important point: Packers is short for "Meat Packers," which is obviously hilarious, so points to them. But! The Bears had the Super Bowl Shuffle, so points to them! You can see my dilemma, right? What a difficult and challenging life I lead.

Hot Doug's: A Total Sausage Fest

Okay, dudes. Okay. Try and stay calm. It finally happened...FINALLY. This past weekend, I went to a total sausage fest. And I mean a TOTAL sausage fest. And you know what? I actually enjoyed myself. Holy eff...

I was visiting Chicago, a small city just southeast of Beloit, Wisconsin, when my associates and I stumbled upon quite a sight. Underneath a small, cheap looking sign that included the tag line "The Sausage Superstore" was a line of about thirty people. "What the hell could they possibly be waiting for?" I wondered. It's not as if Chicago is known for it's fine cuisine or anything. What could be so delicious that somebody would wait for thirty other people to eat before they could even order? That's just absurd...what food could be that amazing?

My curiosity piqued and my stomach growling, we pulled over and got in line. And you know what? I found the answer to that question. The answer is...stuff in hot dog and sausage form, found at a little establishment called Hot Doug's. Get it? Hot Dog? Hot Doug? Brilliant. Thank god the guy's name was Doug. Imagine if it was Gerald! What would he even do with his life?!

Anyhow, I digress. Hot Doug's effing rules. They have perfected an art...the art of encasing meat. It grosses me out to write it, and I'm sure it will gross out some of you to read it, but if only you could taste it, dudes, you'd understand. Encased meat is a GOOD thing! Whether it's wild boar, lamb, or pork for the man's man, italian or polish sausage for you foreigners, or rattlesnake, alligator, or "vegetarian" (I know...totally weird) for you exotic eaters, they've got something that will suit your fancy. And toppings abound. And it's all served in a neat little package, otherwise known as a bun. Check the menu:




I like the idea of a restaurant serving food in only one shape. Why bother getting all fancy? Just make it into a sausage. You want a steak? How about a steak-flavored sausage! It's perfect! It reminds me of the Simpsons episode when Homer eats everything in bar form, turning a pound of spaghetti and meatballs into a compact granola-bar-sized item. It's inspiring, really...in today's world, there's no time to waste! Everything should be in sausage form from now on - macaroni and cheese, pizza, fruit, vodka tonics...why not?

I mean really. An enjoyable sausage fest? This is remarkable.

Also they make their fries in duck fat, but only on the weekends. Come ON!!!
Here is one of the more popular items, the Chicago Dog: a grilled hot dog with tomato, relish, onions, mustard, pickle, and celery salt.
Another picture of The Chicago Dog. Classic.

The Irish Banger. With yellow mustard and cheddar cheese. BANG! This rocked

A lamb sausage with cheese on it. Rumor has it that "it tastes just like a mild kebab."

The reuben one, or the Teuben. Ugh. The name makes me want to barf, but the taste was remarkable.

Cheese fries! Not the best choice for you lactose-intolerant ones out there, but probably worth it anyway.

And the famous duck fat fries. I don't really even know what that means, but I would define it as "salty and more delicious than usual."

Check it: Hot Doug's!

You know, I've heard some negative talk about places like Hot Doug's, mostly people criticizing those who wait in line for so long just to eat hot dogs. Lame. Don't hate, haters! Not only is the food good, but it's all just so FUNNY. I mean, this place is called Hot Doug's; that's hilarious! It reminds me of Kuma's Corner, a burger place in Chicago where the menu is comprised mostly of burgers named after metal bands. You might end up waiting an hour or two for a table if you go on a Friday night, but so what? You're probably about to eat a burger called The Bongzilla, The Lair of the Minotaur, The Plague Bringer, or The Goblin Cock. That, too, is very funny! Plus, the burgers are damn good, and alls you need is some good friends and a few vodka drinks in you, and that hour or two just flies by. Before you know it, you'll be eating a Goblin Cock and all will be well in the world.

So stop your hating, wait in line for a little bit, and you'll earn your just desserts. You see, sometimes we do things for the experience, okay? And, in these cases, the experience results sexy results, i.e. Delicious Food. Come on now. Get with the program.